A Very Modest Proposal for the Texas Legislature

Washington Post, Texas bill to ban teaching of critical race theory puts teachers on front lines of culture war over how history is taught

Plainly, the folks in Texas need some help. I have, accordingly, prepared this ready-made bill for passage by the Texas Legislature and immediate signature by Governor Abbot.

A BILL TO BE ENTITLED

AN ACT

relating to the teaching of history in the primary schools, secondary schools, colleges and universities of the State of Texas.

            BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS:

            SECTION 1.      Legislative Findings.

The Legislature finds and determines as follows:

  1. Slavery never existed in the State of Texas.
  2. During the early nineteenth century, many Africans, wishing to find work in the State of Texas and to better their lives, saved their money and bought passage across the Atlantic on cruise ships, after which they found gainful employment in this State.
  3. The Civil War had nothing to do with slavery, but instead was caused by the Northern Aggressors’ failure to recognize states’ rights.
  4. There is not now, and never has been, systematic racism within the State of Texas.
  5. George Floyd died by inhaling carbon monoxide. The officers who were arresting him at the time did all they could to protect his health.

SECTION 2.      Teaching Requirements.

All educators in the State of Texas must teach consistently with the legislative findings and determinations set forth in Section 1 hereof.

            SECTION 3.      Criminal Violation.

Violation of Section 2 hereof shall constitute a felony punishable by a minimum of ten (10) years imprisonment.