This is Real News: I Read it on the Internet

Informed sources tell us:

One day Chicken Little was pecking around in the yard when she read something misleading in the Daily Mail and decided it meant that Joe Biden was coming to take everyone’s meat.

“Goodness gracious!” said Chicken Little. “Joe Biden is coming for everyone’s meat! I must go and tell the king!”

So she went along and went along until she met Cocky Locky. “Where are you going, Chicken Little?” Cocky Locky asked.

“Joe Biden is coming for everyone’s meat!” Chicken Little exclaimed. “He is going to rip all the hamburgers off the grills, and if you are eating more than your allotted steak, he is going to fling you to his hand-reared pack of hungry Amtrak regional trains, and that will be the last anyone hears of you.”

“Oh no!” Cocky Locky said. “I will come with you and spread the news!” Cocky Locky was very active on Facebook and immediately posted this news there, and soon enough Ducky Lucky read it.

“What’s this you’re posting, Chicken Little and Cocky Locky?” Ducky Lucky asked.

“Oh,” Chicken Little said, “Joe Biden is coming for everyone’s meat! He is going to stop everyone who is eating New York strips and turn them into a windmill, and if you try to object, he is going to put you in an enclosure where you will have to sit while Greta Thunberg makes withering remarks.”

“You’ll be lucky if you get four steaks a year!” Cocky Locky added.

“This is terrible!” Ducky Lucky said. “I will come with you!”

Ducky Lucky listened to a lot of AM radio, and he called in immediately to tell his favorite host, Goosey Loosey, about everything that was going on. “Why are you calling, Chicken Little, Cocky Locky and Ducky Lucky?” Goosey Loosey asked.

“Oh,” Chicken Little said. “Joe Biden is coming for everyone’s meat!”

“Not only that!” added Cocky Locky, who had been refreshing his Facebook feed the entire time and had read an incorrect New York Post article, “but they are giving EVERYONE who comes to the border FREE COPIES OF KAMALA HARRIS’S BOOK!”

“Are they?” Chicken Little asked.

“Well, a single person donated a single copy,” Cocky Locky said, “but I liked what I said first better!”

“This has got to be stopped!” Goosey Loosey cried. “First the meat, now the children’s books! We must tell everyone!”

Goosey Loosey was a contributor to Foxy Loxy, uh, Newsy Woozy, and they decided that would be a good destination to go to next. So they went along until they met with Foxy Loxy. “Where are you going in such a hurry, Chicken Little?” Foxy Loxy asked.

“Oh,” Chicken Little said, “I just found out that Joe Biden is coming for everyone’s meat, and I must go tell the king! He is going to come to everyone’s homes and take all the sausage out of them, whether they are done using it or not! He is making everyone drink plant-based beer instead of the meat-based beer we are all used to! It is a grisly day for America — or would be, if he had not banned gristle! It is just awful what is happening — or would be, if he had not banned offal!”

“This is indeed terrible!” said Foxy Loxy. “I will tell everyone! Come into my burrow with my friends here; we know just the way to get this news out there.” And he started to display a graphic indicating that Joe Biden would soon be rationing everyone’s hamburgers.

“Don’t forget the children’s books!” added Goosey Loosey. “Why, it’s like North Korea, and I’d like to say that on your airwaves!”

“I would never forget anything that could possibly be a source of outrage!” Foxy Loxy said. “That is what I feed on! In fact, if you will just come a little deeper into my burrow, I will show you something even more outrageous!”

They went deeper into Foxy Loxy’s burrow. “Is it much farther?” asked Ducky Lucky.

“Not much farther,” said Foxy Loxy, but his voice was muffled, as though it came from all around them. And the ground beneath them squelched as though they were walking into a giant gullet.

“Is it much more outrageous?” asked Goosey Loosey.

But Foxy Loxy didn’t answer. The ground beneath them undulated, as though they were all being moved along a conveyor belt into an enormous stomach.

And Chicken Little never did get to tell the king that Joe Biden was coming for their meat, or that Kamala Harris was giving out books just like North Korea, but it did not matter, because neither one of those things was accurate. But Foxy Loxy and his friends ate very well that day.